Jose Canseco cleared in sexual assault case, still remains a d-bag

Jose Canseco

Former juiced up MLB outfielder has been cleared of any criminal charges stemming from a sexual assault claim by a Las Vegas woman last month, but was sad to learn that his exoneration did absolutely nothing for his shitty public image.

The still d-bag said the woman “alleged I drugged her and raped her,” Canseco said in a telephone interview, via USA Today Sports. “It was an outright lie. I proved it by taking two lie detector tests. I am the victim here.”

The victim here, Mr. Canseco, went to lengths to profess his innocence, even posting the woman’s name and workplace on May 22 via Twitter. He later removed the postings, but said he didn’t regret doing it at all.

The former Oakland Athletics d-bag hit 462 steroid-induced home runs in his storied career. He currently plays for the Fort Worth Cats, an unaffiliated baseball team in the independent United League, where he’s scraping up his money to pay off the $500,000 he owes to the IRS.

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